Ladies/Gents- if you are ever one-armed, as in: you broke your arm and can't use it, and are cooking some healthy greens, please note the following track record:
1. Opening bottle of white wine using feet & one-handed screwing: Possible
2. Jar of mustard, using hand and teeth: Impossible. Mustard jar shatters on floor, reveals jar was actually truffle salt. Fuck.
3. Jar of actual mustard, with armpit: Impossible. Ow! Using knees: Impossible. Crotch: possible. Wow the strength.
4. Turmeric. Possible. Thank god. Things almost got weird. That stuff is y-e-l-l-o-w.
5. Cutting carrot to caramelize with onions, by carefully balancing on cutting board, and making clean, confident whaks: omg what was I thinking. Carrots fly into abyss under sofa. Must go scuba diving.
6. Neighbors seeing me one-armed sofa diving for carrot piece: Priceless.
Put on some loud rock music and closed my blinds.
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