2013 year in review

Exciting as all hell. Raw, inspired, growth. You have stunned me, 2013. You have made me feel like a 12 year old, freshly picked off some vine.

The world is grand and exposed. Tile in old colonial quarters... sour, tropical drinks. Hunger and angst and a shuffling of dreamscapes and the ocean on my feet! Biking through the smog and returning with the cinematic rhythm of falling in love with life, confused, just like an adolescent again.

Some women are islands

I am, indeed, an island.

Like that fifth grade project create-a-country where you papier-machêd a dream paradise land with palm trees and dolphins and strawberries into the shape of a moon. Something isolated, something forced, something repressed, but dreamy. Far away, lonely as hell, heavenly and void of civilizations. Something private and deeply exposed beneath the sun and dry sand.

When I run out of sleep, when I run out of thirst, my head becomes a glass ball full of swirling smoke. Swirling, swirling, swirling.

No man is an Island, Fer said, dammit Alice, No man is an Island

But I am, indeed, an island. Also worth noting, I am not a man. I have found out a way to fortify myself with a moat the size of an ocean, and while my voice carries far and eerily across the sea, most voices that get released are tired and shortsighted, focused on surviving the time of day and surviving the weather.

Yes, I have visitors by motorboat, but I hide in my jungle. I feel like that terrifying island from life of pi that glows at night and that which is organic becomes carniverous. Hidden, mystical, barbarious, scared of myself.

Other times its beautiful, peaceful, and quiet, colorful but distant. Could be swallowed up by the sea, dying for company.

Mama hands and her virtual universe

I remember my mother sitting in front of a computer in the mid-90s, writing down encrypted Norse patterns from a video game, to decode the most advanced puzzles to get to the next level in the virtual universe, Raven. If she was intent on her task, we hardly noticed. Her hands did it for her, scribbling and scratching like a comfort doodle while talking on the telephone, like a life drawing in the park. Nonchalant decoder.

It was like her crossword puzzles on a clipboard before she went to bed. Very serious braintainment puzzle accomplishment achieved in her most intimate moments. Pijamas, with cat, soft warm relaxed skin in bed. Advanced sudokus, all filled in, beside her in bed as she slept.

I don't even remember playing Raven because it was too difficult, too obtuse, too confusing and multilayered. I feel like one day I asked my mom what happened to that game and she probably answered, half paying attention, oh I solved it, it was all right.

It was a bit like those afternoons on sunny weekends where suddenly mom wouldn't answer the phone and then we of course asked "where the heck have you been?" And shed just answer, "the GARDEN" with a giant breath and excitement in her eyes and active veins in her forearms. I have absolutely no clue what she did back there, or why. Weeding, I guess. Sometimes she said she moved some things around. All I know is nothing ever died unless it was supposed to, and her hands did all the work. Sometimes she would come back with a snapping sprout, or a sliced up hand, or a black, bruised index fingernail, or worse, a worm. These things were worth sharing.

And then there were dozens of rolls of cloth and drawers of needles and thimbles and old bullets from wars and magnifying glasses. All were used for making quilts. I don't ever remember any quilt she made, but I remember the sound if the machine. Hours of silence, calmness, and the tvktvktvktvkk. Tvktvktvktvkk. Her hands did it for her.

Overeager

Shame, mania, the occasional reminder that I can "come off the wrong way"

"Aggressive", "control freak", "surprising and uncomfortable".

I don't mean to be abusive. In fact, I really mean to be constructive. Maybe I've been taught to love by beating down and embracing, as a rebellion and a loneliness if sorts, of being too smart and too solitary too often.

And when I feel valued, I go balls to the wall and I don't see any reason to inhibit myself if I'm a positive whirling force of eager energy and hope and spirited volition.

"I want to be pushed too", I've told others, but people who have disappointed me push back with biting, personal words I am unfairly loyal to. "You just want control," they may say; "You need to chill out." Or worse yet "You need to be patient."

"You need to be patient" really means "You can't grow here," and "You need to calm down," really means "I can't keep up with you and I am insecure so I will make it your problem rather than find strengths with you and help you channel the positive force that is your energy." Yet, the reality is, sometimes its not my world I've walked into. Maybe for them, they really do need me to be patient. and I reject those needs. I'm like a smart, destructive, beautiful Samoyed. You abandon me, you bore me, and I will chew through that which you value. I don't mean to. I just get hurt and upset at the unstimulating world sometimes. I can't believe I just called myself a dog.

I've been trained, and I remind myself when I am on my best behavior that the pull rather than push method is a universe of missed opportunities but far more qualified wins. Ugh, the traps of being a lady. And the reality is, wow, its my duty to find strengths and channel force too. I know I shouldn't waste my time with the inerts and the inerters. But an inertive force can be very powerful and requires rebirth. I can't allow myself to become a Samoyed. Or if I am, I have to choose to be a damn loving one. Waking up helps, though it may keep me from sleeping.

On Saturday, I didn't get out of bed all day. "Now is not the time to visit. Please respect our decision." The words of sharp, unexpected rejection crushed me, not just because they meant I would not get to see friends or family for more weeks. But it's almost thanksgiving. That wasn't all of it. I didn't even let Gemma or Hector in when they knew I was upset and knocked on my door. I was in bed, unshowered, staring at a white screen, makeup halfway smeared across my pillow.

They crushed me because they reminded me that my eagerness must, as a curse, be repeatedly punished. Once I earn familiarity, it is far less punished. Maybe it's because I can be deeply inspiring, if condescending. Maybe it's because I am genuine, if clumsy. Maybe I brighten the room with my quirks and my hope for a stallion ethic. Maybe they see me deflate, human, alone, defeated. I try not to be Don Quixote but I'd rather stay young and hungry. I suppose I am learning to hide desperation and ego. In expectation of disappointment, and in lack of social validation since i am overwhelming enough to begin with I rarely get feedback, this is the most challenging thing ever.

Regardless, a generator makes loud noise outside my balcony. I think it's coming from the nightmare kitten truck from which sparks flew behind a curtain later that Saturday when I was stumbling across the street in heels, eager to meet a complete stranger who had come a long way to find me. The truck is horrifying, it is literally covered with dripping kittens. The kind of thing you paint if you feel a lot, suddenly, and then wished you hadn't created it. I asked my new stranger to walk up and see what the sparks were, since the surprise of the emerging sparks had almost caused me to eat it. "Welding I guess," he said. I stood there for a second with my hand on my head.

I am an artist, I must remember, I am like that. I will find strangers, who will come a long way to find me. "You still have those wild eyes" my friend Kelly stated, commenting on a pic I'd posted of me age three, my mother, and my sister whale watching, leaning over a foamy and speedy expedition boat's edge. This fills my heart infinitely. Kelly had told me openly once she thought I was a terrible or at least loatheable person when she had met me - who is this hot girl saying what she wants and challenging people. Until she learned I was like that - I really didn't even realize I came off that way, she said, and she realized I'd be a best friend for life.

Kelly lifts me of my rebellion and of my kicking and screaming. The thing about me is, I feel invisible, but I am heard. She reminds me that it matters. She is loyal. She shows me she needs me. And I'm determined to do the same. It may take some time, but I'm determined to focus more on rewarding and less on heart-sleeving.

Kelly told me once, "It is so beautiful, vulnerability," and she was talking about a moment that became a soulmate husband. "Ha" I said and "hmm" I thought. A man at a wedding and I once dove into the Caribbean at the end of the night and he lay floating weightless in my arms and I think he apologized for being weightless. "Sorry I'm weightless," he said. "Vulnerability is important," I said. We both kind of just floated there, wondering at each other. I thought of all the times anyone had shared with me under the stars.

This is the standard we can afford to have. It's the standard like a lullaby when we fall off, from kicking the monkey bars, when they kick us back. We are left to look up at the sky and squeeze the dirt through our fingers and pull up grass gently and smell it. Remember those moments after doing cartwheels as a kid, when you lay alone and gawked at the size of space, which you only saw once a week? Well, thank goodness we get kicking and kicked, or else we may never get this view :-)

Outing

 what I almost told my family, again, but it was too much to wrote them, and I got embarrassed.

I think most people may not understand bisexuality because gay is "other" but bi is chameleon. Truth is I've always been queer, since I was 0, its a part of my swagger just like frida, ellen page, whatever, but no one can say I won't end up in a traditional marriage and perfectly happy - barefoot mama in a garden - yet taking executive calls and owning it - and still feeling a deep sisterhood with the blow songs and glad to be part of the community as a person! I hope I get to do it all, all that expression and still be me

And a great love. Where pathetic is pathetic but vulnerable wildly strong. Where from across the room , things go soft, and the whole room fills with soft. where a little voice and a little chord dare to be girly, raw, vital and biting. Where the wild things are in hoods and mischievous smirks and bring creative gifts because we notice everything when we are in love with the world.

Chameleon shoulders, chameleon necks. Chameleon fingers, chameleon dance moves. Chameleon wreckage, and chameleon declarations. Silent chameleon decrees of fresh, groovy accomplishments!

Since you need to maintain your patio life, when you live in a tropical country:

  An open heart collects a lot of air particulates

Aka pollution; it may turn gray, with black spots... wipe it off every couple of days, bleach, re-lacquer, unless you like the spots.

An open heart requires: Weather-resistant furniture so the shifting storms that occupy don't cause damage; space heaters when it gets cold, because it will; and good music to create atmosphere....

Fortunately, despite all this, everybody wonderful  a sunny terrace to a stuffy room. There's nothing so refreshing.

Broken arm

Arm feels like it has endured a short life as a chew toy for some fiberglass puppies. Slow, playful, boisterous gnaw. Fractured little armlet is making too much noise on a hot earthy night!

What i almost posted, to advertise my tumblr page

Team FB,

Craving nostalgic cult classics? Check out my tumblr blog with Perez-like narration to yesteryear's rebellious anthems.

Cultcultcult. Today's theme is grunge and there are references to Mr. Mugatu, middle school Metallica shows and, in good uncomfortable 90s fashion, suicide (bad). Kinda like looking at old yearbooks. Its sweet, really.

Who knew I was gonna be an old school MTVer? The girl without a TV. Previous themes include French a-go-go, Riot Grrls, Brazilian Psychadelic music and Sexy 50s geriatric jazz. Tip for diligent readers: search for "Alice goes where" elsewhere on the internet and it'll get real.

Whats not possible with a broken arm

Ladies/Gents- if you are ever one-armed, as in: you broke your arm and can't use it, and are cooking some healthy greens, please note the following track record:

1. Opening bottle of white wine using feet & one-handed screwing: Possible
2. Jar of mustard, using hand and teeth: Impossible. Mustard jar shatters on floor, reveals jar was actually truffle salt. Fuck.
3. Jar of actual mustard, with armpit: Impossible. Ow! Using knees: Impossible. Crotch: possible. Wow the strength.
4. Turmeric. Possible. Thank god. Things almost got weird. That stuff is y-e-l-l-o-w.
5. Cutting carrot to caramelize with onions, by carefully balancing on cutting board, and making clean, confident whaks: omg what was I thinking. Carrots fly into abyss under sofa. Must go scuba diving.
6. Neighbors seeing me one-armed sofa diving for carrot piece: Priceless.

Put on some loud rock music and closed my blinds.

Bathtub honey wine

Zelch! What is this, unfiltered? Nonsense! The cork is plastic... Can't be corked...
Bathtub honey wine?

Bizarre.
Tasted fine in my greens with mustard and vegetable broth. Not buying this again.

Fake applications for being a better human being, because i realized i needed to try

  Future of mexico
Design thinking
Equality of access and technology
Scalability 2.0
Resources in macro
Macrodesign
Development and innovation
Reworking business models for development
Rethinking equality
Rethinking borders via communication
Inter continental communication in business
Bridging gaps in knowledge sharing on diverse teams
Better collaboration cross continent
Spain to mexico
Australia to UK
US to Asia
Designing new interfaces as solutions to equal access
Poverty solutions

MacroDesign : Macroeconomic + Design Innovation
How can we use principles of artificial intelligence to help people's access to water?
How can we create plasticity in emergency response systems?
How can we increase access to banking via mobile for people who live in rural or isolated urban areas?
How can we accelerate distribution networks of credit among impoverished communities, and encourage feedback at a manageable scale?
How can electrical solutions for governments be better visualized to real-time inform international energy policy?

All these ideas I want an academic basis for.

In school, I studied neuroscience and art to go to the very limits of what science and social communication was capable of. Now, I want to do this in business school: arrive at our ultimate human barriers and redesign the limits of human impact of technology. My grandfather, who was a civil engineer who became a quantum physicist in his old age, wrote a chapter called "quarks: turning and other quirky behavior" which explored the moment that math, our language, breaks down, and the rules as we know it begin to disintegrate. This is like an un-detangleable bottleneck in a web app; after reaching a certian scale, sometimes you can re-code and restructure to get the efficiency you need to function but sometimes you need to redraw your entire language and perspective to GROW - thereby coming up with an understanding of the world and how to solve problems at this scale.

This is a principle I have taken from the most thrilling tenets of my 5-year career in emerging internet technologies, and 4-year study of contemporary art & neuroscience: once we reach a certain scale of data that our understanding begins to break down, once we reach our own physical, sensory, or resource-based limits, then we must discard the very basis of our barriers (be it C++ for HTML5: be it neurotransmitters and begin to study growth factors; be it paint, and begin to use computers) in order to reveal an entirely new language to describe the future.

comScore and Nokia propelled me into amazing projects at the forefront of emerging technology (user research and mobility), and Google has treated me well. Once seasoned in disruptive tech for 4 years in Silicon valley, I joined Google on a personal mission to move into the d3veloping world & extend my humanitarian scholarship program (Robertson Scholars), which focused on leadership through a humanitarian spirit, hunger for discomfort, intellectual curiosity, community service, and courage. Like that program, Google gives employees access to tackle huge social or economic problems with scaling simple tools. In college, it may have been a camcorder; at Google, its code and all of the information of the world extracted using it. Examples include Project Loon, Charity Water, Trading Bows and Arrows for Laptops, and more.

In my current team, I'm tasked with two "break barriers" projects this season: 1) Partnering with the federal government to re-market the country of Mexico to the world via the internet (combatting negative stereotypes thru interactive, experiential media promoting investment in Mexico) and  2) Managing the workflow of a team dedicated to the biggest industry for Google in the country - and the biggest legal industry for Mexico after oil - tourism.

Tourism reveals macroeconomic trends unravelling between Mexico and Brazil, Colombia, Spain, the U.S., China. I research huge-scale investments, technology access, crime patterns, profit models, auction dymanics and geography for my multi-market pitches to top global travel companies about their expansion strategy in LatAm. My recommendations are usually based in reworking digital intelligence within their own business models.

My market covers 589,000 humans, but just a fraction of them are participating - and if I can go to business school and develop strategies to build solutions to accelerate access for the 63% of Mexican swithout access to internet - imagine potable water - then I could scale to markets of 2 billion, and help feed democratizing inventions' penetration to those currently without access. Access to internet, education, water, medicine, jobs. I want to discover other tools: so far I understand camcorders and code, but there must be many more.

To do this well, I have to be a serious people person and understand old world conservatism, institutions threatened by tech, and align with audacious leaders and influencers on the ground willing to disrupt in the name of equality. My progress on building a foundation in my first year here has been really interesting in Mexico as it's going through a major adolescent period of economic development.

Outside of work, I am a major ambassador from Silicon Valley to bring agility and change-driven mindset to influential groups in Mexico City. I serve as a coach and core ally for angel investors in the region (500 startups, angelhack), women developers, incubator initiatives in the private (wayra) and public (inda / entrepreneur) sectors,  and I'm even involved in a project creating the official narrative to incentivize national banks to launch mobile banking solutions and broaden their reach. I have been invited to host innovation workshops for X org representing Mexico problem-solving from my house, and I'm being recruited to be country manager and launch Spanish-Latam expansion for an SF ads solutions platform focused on a disruptive media model (RTB). I have spoken at tech conferences to engineers about disruptive problem-solving thru "coding for poverty" and received a standing ovation. I have had an amazing year of plugging into the real challenges and opportunities of the developing world.

I am hoping you will accept me into your program because I want to deeply study technologies of scale - and how to redesign solutions to basic problems in the name of human equality - and ensure that they work.
After two years with your program, I'd like to go to a CEO and sit down and discuss how to get to 10x WHILE helping solve human problems. And walk her through the economics of how that is going to work. Sustainability and design thinking are inherent to this plan, because they encourage the flexibility required for an organization to change values and start thinking in a new human scalable language. The type that allows us to break barriers again - understand the plastic brain and the quarks of humanity - of suffering, and of money. If you accept me into your program, I promise that I will be a catalyst for the class and represent a great legacy for the program moving forward. I think like an artist, work like an engineer, and dream like a politician. I want to learn great management skills to go where we have never gone before!

Why having crushes are dangerous and why it sucks when they are crushed

There are so many spectacular things to do that if you are down, you must wake up. If you are tired, you must get out. Do not keep pushing a little, but rather push a lot, enough to get you to a totally new place, and you will see what you are capable of. What is mind boggling is how many possible lives you could be leading right now. Hundreds of possibilities of love, of disaster, of amazing ambitions succeeded or failed. What if I moved to Boston? Who would enter and take over my world? What if I moved it Singapore? What of I simply started something radically new? How unfamiliar could the past become? How much more could you accomplish? We have no time for the ordinary, if we open our imaginations. If we open our own doors, winds gush in, and accelerate us to a speed we didn't once know possible.

The hard part is that you have to constantly be creating dreams and fantasies - tactile, visual, graspable visions of the future - to make them happen, and move with the audacity to make things real and possible. Sometimes we let it fog up and don't create new visions for a while. This is where things get stale. But with any simple fantasy you can go wildly through a set of patterns to enact a million variations of that movie - that real life enactment. Its so simple. And so permutable.

Me flirting, when someone was kind

Something I never sent.

Aw thanks baby.. it's a milestone at least :) gotta do the math and figure it all out!

Thanks wonderful! :) we'll see

Life reinvents itself... wild and pretty. This summer solstice its like doing this cool conjuring masked dance and all these different friendly beasts are coming out to convive

How to deal with being irresponsibility explosive at a workplace setting

The best we can do is make sure the bad days don't sabotage the good ones, that is, when its good, being really extreme, and when its bad, painting your mind punk rock and channeling your best energy into creative creative productions.

Because the only thing rewarded in good is extreme, the exact same thing punished in bad.

The Prince

The difference between the adventurist, the narccisist jetsetter, the free spirit and the douschebag overachiever is in the heart. Otherwise, they have the same energy to grow, seek growth, drive growth and recycle themselves as they decompose, regenerate, age and die many times throughout their lives. These are the people who capture my attention the most - all 4 types. The adventurist, wildly driven by curiosity, and confident in his own impact - will conquer mine.

Big thighs

You know, as lost as we are, I think we have a lot of it figured out. And thank goodness we got lost, or else home would mean nuthin.

I have these big thighs where if I slump down and let my belly go flat and hard, the thighs welcome everything in the world. Nobody could wreck them. They are strong as sin.

I have these tiny wrists that keep my fingers and tongue delicate, vulnerable, nimble. My lips jut out in a deep under bite when I'm relaxed. There's no messing with my attitude. I am a tough detective, I'm watching you with that lip.

If I slump down just right, and hide just right, my mind will take its own way to get where it needs to go. But for as intense as I am, all this mental space is like a big steam room. Time flies by until I gotta go get air.

I do not need to be a leader

I do not need to be a leader, lord, I can do without the baggage. Make me a trailblazer, but bless me with a fire that makes things grow, not die. Make me a trailblazer mama.

Where if I light things up without expecting it, I may ravage and nourish like a flood - in come the new crops!